Funkonovo/Allison's autism Blog

The author, a white woman with brown hair with pained expression CW: Mention of meltdowns, law enforcement, suicide, the criminal justice system This is going to be a difficult post for me to write, because it will trigger memories of guilt, shame and "if onlys". It isn't my intention to dwell on these negative feelings. I wish to present the facts accurately, without self pity or blame-shifting. I have mentioned before that my autistic meltdowns became more frequent and (yes, I must use the v-word) violent in my mid teens. For me, a meltdown occurs when: 1. I am physically and emotionally drained. 2. I am startled by a trigger sound (a shrill scream or a car horn or explosion) 3. Having to socially interact already bearing #1 and #2. I have always been a take-charge person, impulsive by nature. My parents knew since my infancy that something wasn't right (and no, that isn't a put-down, it is a clinical observation about my neurology based on obse...

Child covering ears Family gatherings are noisey. There are a myriad of voices that range in pitch and volume. There is that one person who laughs so loud that tears well in my eyes. Boys yell and bang on the piano. Someone is taking a photo with flash. Greeting people is part of being polite, even when you are already in sensory overload. Perfumes and colognes combine and foods from the kitchen circulate. Men yell at the football game and women laugh at something funny.  All this is taken in at the door. There is a long way to wade through before I can put my coat in a quiet bedroom. I have to remember to smile and say "hello" as well as accept hugs. There are a few cousins who cannot stand my presence, though, at age 5, I don't know what I could have possibly done to upset them. I am asked, "Why do you plug your ears?" I am told repeatedly that nobody wants me here. I am the only one who isn't part of a group. Sometimes, I get bullied. A parent ...

I used to cry the first week of school, not just the first day. I cried due to the grave disruption in my routine and knowing I was in for another 180 days of constant bullying.  When I was in 6th grade, I came home with a Migraine and had to be given a lukewarm bath as I had hyperthermia (no air conditioning in the middle school in 1990).  In 7th grade, I passed out in gym class because of overexertion caused by the heat and crying and had to go home early. The tears were impossible to hide.  People kept asking me why I was crying. They invented names for me like "puddles". Looking back, that nickname sounds funny, but what I endured was anything but.  I am reminded that my Lord and Savior endured much pain for my sins in His incarnate life on earth. He endured the pain, not returning insult. This thought recently dawned on me. While I certainly felt I didn't deserve the treatment I received and the years of damage it caused me, I was an...

In May, 2009, I had a violent meltdown that lead to law-enforcement and an ambulance ride to the E.R. Upon arrival I was greeted by a  screaming baby,  one of the very things my ears just CANNOT tolerate. I covered my ears and begin screaming in distress and immediately I witnessed the ignorance, prejudice and abuse of my junior high and high school past was crashing down on me in adulthood.  Several people were in the room barking questions like "What's your name?" "What meds are you on?" "Stop screaming, you're scaring the lady in the bed next to you!" On top of this, the baby is still screaming, which I am reminded "isn't its fault!" in a derogatory yell. I remind her through tears that I have  autism  and  sensory processing disorder  and cannot help my response, either. That brought a threat, "If you can't be quiet then we'll have to give you Haldol. You can't take Haldol? (I am allergic) I thought yo...

  In 2007, my mom, aunt and I went to an autism "support" group. I don't remember how I found out about the group, but I had asked via e-mail if there was anything for adults. The group leader said no (of course), but that they might consider starting an adult group. This was a group run by parents of autistic kids. Pro Autism Speaks. They were the main ones present at the meetings. There was only 1 other autistic adult who had mild intellectual disability and didn't come very often. Not long after my query, I was contacted to say that they would put one on the schedule and was e-mailed a copy. I was excited. An outlet for me. Resources and sympathy available for my 67-year-old mom. My mom said she had a bad vibe from the first meeting. I didn't see it, but by the 4th time it became clear: they were a clique, and if you thought thoughts apart from the clique then they hurt you. When my mother voiced her opposing opinion of Autism Speaks a...

I understand when non-believers ask me why bad things happen to good people. I am newer at being saved by grace than I am at being autistic, but I am willing to practice patience and educate people. That patience is lost when people yell and use sarcasm, taking out on me what I presume they mean toward God. I haven't quite mastered how to shake the bully syndrome I've been caught in since grade school. I comfort my frightened, inner child by ripping my attacker a new ass hole. Then, of course, I feel bad. I realize I am sinful and live in a sin-laden world. "If your God is so good, then why does He allow evil?" Firstly, since you yelled at me, the conversation is over. Insulting me will result in shut out. If you are autistic and have done this, I have to ask if things like empathy and tolerance only apply when it concerns only you . Secondly, God isn't mine. I am His . Thirdly, and I am sorry, but-there are no "good" people. I know that...