Funkonovo/Allison's autism Blog

The following are a few insights I (sometimes painfully) picked up along the journey of 2018. Not to “info dump” or converse in even a half socially acceptable way with just anyone. Trusting just anyone with tons of information can make trouble for you. That person could relay things you entrusted to them in private in order to hurt you. Being vulnerable is only good if you can trust the person you are engaged with. And if you are being vulnerable with someone you trust, let them say their peace. It’s OK to let the other person (who you know is in the wrong) be right. Continuing to argue with someone who is toxic makes things worse. God and you know who’s right. If the other person admits their wrong, accept their apology even though it might seem second nature. When God asks you to let go of something, He means it. Letting go, especially when it is a passionate obsession is heartbreaking. I tried to explain and reason with God many times about this passion, and He waited,...

I was experimenting with the Pixlr app on my tablet and settled on this reverse black and white filter. It helped me to dramatically show the contrast between the flower and the leaves. A few weeks prior, I came upon a dead bunny (whose picture I will not post) while walking in another forest preserve. Nature is contrasted by both the beautiful and cruel. God created a perfect garden and two perfect people. (Genesis 3) Free will eventually changed that, but the beauty of God's creation will never be completely obliterated. I am reminded that life will get better than this, that there will be a new heaven and earth to come with no sin in it. May God bless you.

Young adulthood-present I attempted suicide when I was 17, six months before graduation. I was hospitalized for the first of what would be over 20 spanning from 1997-2006. More bullying and much more blame came from what was supposed to be a place of healing. I was told how spoiled I was, what a con-artist I was; manipulative (as if plugging my ears and screaming at the loud toddler visiting was my way of wanting to “get” something from someone-other than quiet). There were more suicide attempts. In 1998, I saw the next in a series of psychiatrists/psychologists. This man diagnosed me, wearily, with “autistic tendencies”. I was 19. I went on to getting into trouble with the law and almost being imprisoned. I firmly believe if it hadn't been for my mom’s nursing sense and persevering spirit, I would have gone to jail and would not be here today. I questioned God. I began to wonder if He really did exist. I decided that He did, but that He hated me, even was bullying me. How s...

“You are going to wind up in jail, an institution or the morgue.” –Neuropsychiatrist at the University of Illinois at Chicago Campus, January 2006 “You are a fraud.” “You are just spoiled.” –Behavioral health worker @ Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital, Hoffman Estates, IL 2005 “It isn’t my job to understand autism.” –GP, circa 2005 “How much did (X) cost?” Ongoing suspicion from AID (the association for individual development, headquartered in Aurora, IL) each time I have worked with them, despite full financial disclosure on my application form. “Well, that’s because they get so much fraud.” My one and only friend (during a conversation on 1/1/17) who used to work at AID, despite my telling her a person is innocent until proven guilty in this country. Add to this sexual assault (Lutheran General Hospital, Park Ridge, IL 1999-during a free gyno exam -included in hospital stay). Would not pull out speculum when I told the doctor and his assistant ...

I've heard it said that the best ideas often come when in the shower. The hot water massages my head and the steam opens my sinuses. What happened one June night back in 2010 is something that wasn't a byproduct of heat and steam. I had been under what I call "house arrest" since 2006, when a violent meltdown at the mall (which included screaming, swearing, self harm and punching walls), bringing many security guards. My mom had to pull me outside with all her strength. I was not mentally or physically able. A meltdown is such a horrific experience from the total involuntary loss of self-control to the days it takes me to recover. I also have fears based on reality about being arrested or taken, for short periods via ambulance, from my immediate family, which is now comprised only of my sister, whom I live with. Anyway, I pretty much avoided going out in public, to avoid sensory overload and keep both me and the public safe. It was a sad and boring period pu...

After a year of intense anxiety, misunderstandings and resulting outbursts mostly online, I am in need of peace. After a summer of major depression and enduring Saturday night M80s from neighbors from summer through fall (which caused suicidal ideation), I am in desperate need of peace. In case you are wondering, yes, I called the police. It caused retaliation. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says that God won't allow a believer to go through more than they can bear, but will provide a way out. God wants us to rely 100% on Him and not on other people or ourselves. This takes faith and humility. I wonder if God was trying to get my attention with the suffering season I had? I have been relying on Him more lately, praying for Him to give me peace overall, but especially in the area of sensory overload. I think the prayer was answered in part back in the fall, when I asked my APRN to prescribe Ambien for me to use on Saturday nights. I already have peace about New Year's Eve. I'...

New things present as an uphill battle. Change is scary to me unless it comes on my terms. Maybe this is why I did poorly understanding Algebra. There's always a variable.  I don't intend to be difficult or selfish. Having a battle plan is how I make sense of life. Adaptation is a skill that comes naturally for some people, but not for me.  I find having a plan B is a good idea. For example, if you plan on going to an outdoor event and it rains, scheduling a rain date ahead of time. The rain date can substitute for an unexpected illness as well. There are some changes that are inevitable like losing a loved one, and that is something that takes prayer and time alone with God. Having family and friends who can help by listening is also key.  Ultimately, trusting in God, not circumstances, to be secure in this life is both necessary and difficult to do, but it is worth the effort. "And we know that God causes everything to work together  for the good of...

Normally, this tree would be as bald as Mr. T by late October. An extended Indian summer (interrupted by random cold days) has allowed the trees to keep their leaves longer. Sometimes technology lends to nature, as in the case of this photo. I found pixlr express for desktop. I can create different moods and, in some cases, make nature look better. An overcast sky dulled a lot of things such as the hues of the background treeline. I am reminded of Psalm 24:1-2 "The earth is the  Lord 's and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein,   for he has  founded it upon  the seas and established it upon the rivers."  God also puts His creativity in the minds of men, such as those who created this free software. May He be praised, Amen. Pixlr express:  https://pixlr.com/express/

The hummingbird moth Yikes! I was over at my aunt's house back in 2013. We were admiring her yard work when a few of these hummingbird moths came fluttering out of her white Phlox. My aunt yelled, "Eek!", and ran promptly for the house. That is probably what most people would do. I, on the other hand, tried to touch it and then I grabbed my camera, fascinated with this curious insect or bird. I didn't know until I got home. I found out that the Hyles-lineata is only ONE kind of hummingbird moth. http://www.butterfliesandmoths.org/species/Hyles-lineata My blog turned 1 week old. It is still a baby blog, so it has been undergoing lots of changes with editing and layout. If you are still reading it, despite running into a few "bugs",  I thank you.  God makes some of His creation elegant while other things look quite odd. Both God and National Geographic love them all. May we appreciate the variety and diversity in which God has mad...

Reaching toward heaven I was trying to get a different perspective taking nature shots. I had looked up to see this mass of white clouds hovering above bare tree branches. The branches looked like arms and fingers reaching up toward heaven. The clouds reminded me of something like  Exodus 13:21    where God's presence was with the Israelite s, guiding them. God takes care of all those who put their trust in His Son, Jesus. I have trusted Him in seeing me through my mom's death, an arrest, transitioning from one treatment facility to another and more recently, some neighbors treating Saturday nights as their own personal 4th of July. I still feel pain. I am tempted to doubt and catch myself self loathing. I keep praying .  I know nothing lasts forever. I look forward to eternity with God and my Christian loved ones who are there already. I hope you will come to know Jesus and accept Him as both your Lord as well as your Savior. Amen! ...

She lay in the darkness unable to speak or move. Suddenly, there shown a warm light all around her and a key appeared.  "Take this," He said.  She reached out, hesitant at first. "This is the key that unlocks the gate and it is your time to pass through." So, by His grace, she took it, unlocked the gate and stepped into eternity. For my mother, Ruth Anne 1939-2014, Awesome autism mom pioneer, advocate and example of true Christian compassion. A tough act for me to follow sometimes! This is a figurative, not literal account of a person going to heaven. It is for poetic effect. All you need is faith in Christ to get into heaven :)

Jesus is the great equalizer. It doesn't matter how messed up you are, how much money you have, what a rotter you have been or how charitable and together you are. You need Jesus. The truth of the matter is, if you don't accept Jesus' perfect sacrifice on the cross as atonement for your fallen, sinful nature, you won't go to heaven. You will be eternally separated from God and your believing loved ones.  Your present life on earth will always lack something only Jesus can provide. Other faiths offer a works-based approach to salvation. Christianity is the only true path to eternity as well as fulfillment in this lifetime. No man is perfect. Paul lamented about falling back into sin, no matter how hard he tried. " I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate." Romans 7:15 (I can sure relate!) He goes on to acknowledge that he isn't good in his own right. "For I kno...

In my last post, I wrote about God (Father, Son and Spirit) creating everything in Genesis Chapter One. He created everything and declared it to be good, including mankind. Then mankind sinned and messed up God's perfect plan.  Cone flower and Milkweed feed the butterflies who need it to survive, especially the Monarchs, who undertake a migration route from Canada to Mexico, the original generation setting out never to see their destination. We admire the Cone flower and butterflies for their aesthetic beauty. God also had that in mind.  I have been asked pointedly, in ALL CAPS, why God allows bad things like poisonous plants to kill innocent children who stray from their parents and eat them. The reality, which is very unpopular (just about anything having to do with God and His truths are in America today), is that nobody is good without Jesus . Adam and Eve brought sin into the world via their free will. That included, among other things, poison, greed,...

A nasty thunderstorm had just ended. Trees and power lines were down all over town. I spotted this single leaf in a parking lot. There is nothing in God's creation either large or small that doesn't amaze me. Genesis 1:1 declares that God created the heavens and the earth. From every grain of sand to the mountains to mankind, He created it all.  " In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. " Genesis 1:1 NLT Nothing seemingly insignificant by man's standards is too small for God. Nothing man considers too big an obstacle is too big for God. I love nature photography so much, because I get to capture these precious moments and keep them forever. Because of the First Amendment, I get to share those captured moments as well as the Gospel with you.  May the  Lord  bless you      and protect you. May the  Lord  smile on you      and be gracious to you.   May the  Lord ...

Mr. Eastwood summed it up perfectly. Autistic AND non-autistic people alike can be very cruel. I don't need any un-necessary pain in my life.  Here is a link to a New Yorker (yes, the New Yorker) article from 2013 on anonymity and the internet:http://www.newyorker.com/tech/elements/the-psychology-of-online-comments Disabling commenting stops trolling before it begins. My writing anonymously allows me to share and educate facts and opinions. God has something to say regarding the power of words (hard-core atheists please breathe deeply or press the back arrow now). "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." James 3:6   "Death and life are in the power of the tongue,  and those who love it will eat its fruits." Proverbs 18:21 ESV The Bible also says words are containers for power. Scripture blows the "sticks ...

God is present Amidst the barren, broken places I inhabit Called sensory overload, anxiety and depression I must constantly remind myself He is. He is good. He is love. He never changes. He will not leave or forsake me In spite of the darkness That is Satan trying to win another battle A new day is coming No more sin I must   hang in there And not submit to defeat “And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely Jehovah is in this place. And I knew it not.” Genesis 28:16 ASV

I understand when non-believers ask me why bad things happen to good people. I am newer at being saved by grace than I am at being autistic, but I am willing to practice patience and educate people. That patience is lost when people yell and use sarcasm, taking out on me what I presume they mean toward God. I haven't quite mastered how to shake the bully syndrome I've been caught in since grade school. I comfort my frightened, inner child by ripping my attacker a new ass hole. Then, of course, I feel bad. I realize I am sinful and live in a sin-laden world. "If your God is so good, then why does He allow evil?" Firstly, since you yelled at me, the conversation is over. Insulting me will result in shut out. If you are autistic and have done this, I have to ask if things like empathy and tolerance only apply when it concerns only you . Secondly, God isn't mine. I am His . Thirdly, and I am sorry, but-there are no "good" people. I know that...