Funkonovo/Allison's autism Blog

 Caption: A burned out, white autistic woman  Content Warning: Mention of suicide and depression. Please don't read this if you are upset by these topics and/or are in a bad place mentally. I'm not the kind of autistic person that has friends (plural). I'm the autistic person, long out of high school who sits home all day with TV as company. I'm not the autistic adult thriving on social media, a place where I have been bullied by both autistic and allistic (non autistic) people. I am the autistic person without a tribe. There is no real place of personal acceptance for me. I'm the autistic person who has high support needs without having an IQ below 70. I'm the autistic person who rocks or performs some kind of stim constantly to alleviate high anxiety. I'm not that thriving autistic adult who has some kind of community support while attending college and/or interviewing for or working a job. I'm not that autistic Millennial you read so much ...

Picture: Lundholm organ-Pixabay At six months of fetal development, my mom noticed that I would violently kick in the womb when she played certain songs on the organ. My dad watched me leaping around in her stomach.  It was a disturbing and confusing moment for both of them. They hadn't seen anything like this before. Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder whose traits show up often before 2 years of age. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome for the first time in 1998. I was diagnosed with AS, mainly because I spoke early and scored 110 on my IQ test. It is interesting to note that I didn't walk unassisted until 18 months old, was only interested in the shadows the low, incandescent chandiler lights made on the living room ceiling at 3 weeks of age instead of my parents or screamed, sometimes for up to a half an hour after the wind blew a door shut on the opposite end of the house. I had intrusive, upsetting thoughts of harming myself or others go...

I've read the plea of an autistic parent many times over- "I would just like to eat dinner with my family out in public." The family cannot do so, because one or more of their children is autistic. The noise of clanking, clattering dishes, crying babies and bright lights incites a very physical and verbal meltdown. The child hits themselves. They scream. The judgemental stares and tongue clucks begin. It is simply safer and less humiliating to eat in. Now imagine the autistic child grown up. Perhaps they have learned to better manage  sensory overload  and get away from a situation before it leads to a meltdown. Maybe they always have a safe person with them (as I do) when they are away from home. Perhaps that person is the parent. They still would like to have a meal out with the entire family, but it won't happen. It's not that the family never tried again. This time, the autistic person wore earplugs and sunglasses. They were older and did their best to ...

autisticaplanet avatar The following is a long list of what it is like FOR ME to live with autism 1. Having constant anxiety. 2. Constantly stimming to relieve anxiety, usually by rocking. 3. Hypersensitive hearing that makes living with most "everyday sounds" impossible. 4. As a result of #3, limited exposure to the outside world to keep me and others safe. 5. Unemployment. 6. Not being able to participate in what little programs there are available due to #3 and #4. 7. Knowing exactly what I want to say through writing often coupled with imagery with little need to revise. 8. Taking anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication to help me remain in my own skin. 9. Intrusive and unwanted thoughts. I have OCD. 10. Being a highly visual thinker who has to deal with #9 a lot. 11. Being poor at directions. I use landmarks to picture where I am going. 12. Not being able to drive. This also means I don't have a car payment or car insurance to worry about. 13....

After a year of intense anxiety, misunderstandings and resulting outbursts mostly online, I am in need of peace. After a summer of major depression and enduring Saturday night M80s from neighbors from summer through fall (which caused suicidal ideation), I am in desperate need of peace. In case you are wondering, yes, I called the police. It caused retaliation. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says that God won't allow a believer to go through more than they can bear, but will provide a way out. God wants us to rely 100% on Him and not on other people or ourselves. This takes faith and humility. I wonder if God was trying to get my attention with the suffering season I had? I have been relying on Him more lately, praying for Him to give me peace overall, but especially in the area of sensory overload. I think the prayer was answered in part back in the fall, when I asked my APRN to prescribe Ambien for me to use on Saturday nights. I already have peace about New Year's Eve. I'...

My autistic brain on fire This is how I feel when I am getting close to a meltdown. I am exposed to one of my trigger sounds (babies crying, dogs barking and fireworks). I am in a situation where I cannot escape them.  Learning how to use a computer lead to many meltdowns, one so bad that 911 was called and I was hospitalized for several days. I have a low frustration threshold for the unexpected.  Meltdowns are an inner and outer body experience at the same time. I can feel the interior of my body shaking, my throat becoming hamburger meat as I scream, and my hands like a vice as they hold my ears. There is presence and detachment at the same time. Afterword, there is an exhaustion that lasts for hours or even a full day. I swear, hit, spit, bite and attack anyone or thing within my flailing, spinning, Tasmanian Devil like path. I self loathe and feel helpless and guilty later. I have to wind down until the pent up pressure is gone.  The worst thing another livin...

  In 2007, my mom, aunt and I went to an autism "support" group. I don't remember how I found out about the group, but I had asked via e-mail if there was anything for adults. The group leader said no (of course), but that they might consider starting an adult group. This was a group run by parents of autistic kids. Pro Autism Speaks. They were the main ones present at the meetings. There was only 1 other autistic adult who had mild intellectual disability and didn't come very often. Not long after my query, I was contacted to say that they would put one on the schedule and was e-mailed a copy. I was excited. An outlet for me. Resources and sympathy available for my 67-year-old mom. My mom said she had a bad vibe from the first meeting. I didn't see it, but by the 4th time it became clear: they were a clique, and if you thought thoughts apart from the clique then they hurt you. When my mother voiced her opposing opinion of Autism Speaks a...

God is present Amidst the barren, broken places I inhabit Called sensory overload, anxiety and depression I must constantly remind myself He is. He is good. He is love. He never changes. He will not leave or forsake me In spite of the darkness That is Satan trying to win another battle A new day is coming No more sin I must   hang in there And not submit to defeat “And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely Jehovah is in this place. And I knew it not.” Genesis 28:16 ASV