Funkonovo/Allison's autism Blog

The author, a white woman with brown hair with pained expression CW: Mention of meltdowns, law enforcement, suicide, the criminal justice system This is going to be a difficult post for me to write, because it will trigger memories of guilt, shame and "if onlys". It isn't my intention to dwell on these negative feelings. I wish to present the facts accurately, without self pity or blame-shifting. I have mentioned before that my autistic meltdowns became more frequent and (yes, I must use the v-word) violent in my mid teens. For me, a meltdown occurs when: 1. I am physically and emotionally drained. 2. I am startled by a trigger sound (a shrill scream or a car horn or explosion) 3. Having to socially interact already bearing #1 and #2. I have always been a take-charge person, impulsive by nature. My parents knew since my infancy that something wasn't right (and no, that isn't a put-down, it is a clinical observation about my neurology based on obse...

A Polaroid with light leaks and fade. Misconceptions and stigma associated (conceptual photography) "You're pretty high functioning," you say, shaking my hand (I can do handshakes), I realize you probably want to make me feel good about myself. Your image of an autistic person might be of someone non-verbal, perhaps in a wheelchair, whose focus is elsewhere. You are correct-in part. A very small part. I'm sure you have heard that autism is a spectrum. You've been made aware of autism, but you don't have a complete picture. Your concept is like a bad photograph where only part of the film got exposed and the rest is light leaks of yellow and red. It isn't your fault. You aren't  autistic. What you likely know about autism mostly comes from the media, which often relies on doomsday scenarios  filled with no light at the end of the story's tunnel. "You seem pretty normal to me." In the here and now. In this room, one of my f...

Woman holding head in hands Wednesday, I went for a routine psych assessment which lead to a meltdown which included me beating my head with my fists, and a walkout. It was a good thing I was already chewing my chewable, silicone necklace. Braided chewable pendant by Stimtastic What precipitated the meltdown and walk out was being yelled at (a deciBel level below screaming range and above emphasizing speech) by the doctor, who claimed in a previous appointment to know something about autism and sensory issues. I took myself off of an anti-depressant because it was making me suicidal. I was already dealing with a major depressive episode and still am. I kept and went back on the anti-depressant that I knew and trusted. I felt better in a couple of days. Better meaning non-suicidal. I never thought once of calling to discuss my decision with my doctor. It honestly never crossed my mind. For that, I am sorry . I made an unintentional e...

Autism  It isn't over in 30 days It doesn't only affect the male sex, children, teens or white people. It isn't just a different way of thinking. It is meltdowns and shutdowns from sensory overload. It is often expressing oneself better through writing than words. It is often too loud, bright, smelly, rough and itchy. Eye contact creates panic. It is needing safe places In which to process and recover. It is helped by people listening instead of judging. Sleep can be fleeting Bowels inflamed Head banging, flapping or rocking Chewing or spinning stim jewelry to alleviate anxiety Noise canceling headphones, sunglasses and hats Sometimes medication It can mean marriage and kids It can mean one, both or neither It is a vast spectrum In which women are being treated as the newcomers There all along Diagnosed in middle age All too often it means  poverty isolation persecution unemployment and saddest of all, much talent and creativity remain...

A woman on fire-Pixabay My meltdown is Echoed in my screaming Adrenaline is racing like napalm through my veins Moro reflex punching my gut over and over Reliving the sensory overload on a loop I'm drowning without being in water and I have to go to bed for 2 days Sometimes it brings red and blue flashing lights on a squad car  Handcuffs chewing into my wrists Lots of shouting and grabbing Strapped to a backboard while my skin turns purple and black Locked up, drugged up Being punished for something I cannot control It isn't a conscience choice I've made To disrupt my life or yours It so happened that A dog was barking- A child was screaming- Someone set off a firecracker- And I couldn't process the information fast enough To remain in control of my executive functioning The threat of sensory overload hangs pregnant, like a cumulonimbus cloud I need a safe place and safe people- now and until I die To successfully process what life...

I've heard it said that the best ideas often come when in the shower. The hot water massages my head and the steam opens my sinuses. What happened one June night back in 2010 is something that wasn't a byproduct of heat and steam. I had been under what I call "house arrest" since 2006, when a violent meltdown at the mall (which included screaming, swearing, self harm and punching walls), bringing many security guards. My mom had to pull me outside with all her strength. I was not mentally or physically able. A meltdown is such a horrific experience from the total involuntary loss of self-control to the days it takes me to recover. I also have fears based on reality about being arrested or taken, for short periods via ambulance, from my immediate family, which is now comprised only of my sister, whom I live with. Anyway, I pretty much avoided going out in public, to avoid sensory overload and keep both me and the public safe. It was a sad and boring period pu...

My autistic brain on fire This is how I feel when I am getting close to a meltdown. I am exposed to one of my trigger sounds (babies crying, dogs barking and fireworks). I am in a situation where I cannot escape them.  Learning how to use a computer lead to many meltdowns, one so bad that 911 was called and I was hospitalized for several days. I have a low frustration threshold for the unexpected.  Meltdowns are an inner and outer body experience at the same time. I can feel the interior of my body shaking, my throat becoming hamburger meat as I scream, and my hands like a vice as they hold my ears. There is presence and detachment at the same time. Afterword, there is an exhaustion that lasts for hours or even a full day. I swear, hit, spit, bite and attack anyone or thing within my flailing, spinning, Tasmanian Devil like path. I self loathe and feel helpless and guilty later. I have to wind down until the pent up pressure is gone.  The worst thing another livin...

In May, 2009, I had a violent meltdown that lead to law-enforcement and an ambulance ride to the E.R. Upon arrival I was greeted by a  screaming baby,  one of the very things my ears just CANNOT tolerate. I covered my ears and begin screaming in distress and immediately I witnessed the ignorance, prejudice and abuse of my junior high and high school past was crashing down on me in adulthood.  Several people were in the room barking questions like "What's your name?" "What meds are you on?" "Stop screaming, you're scaring the lady in the bed next to you!" On top of this, the baby is still screaming, which I am reminded "isn't its fault!" in a derogatory yell. I remind her through tears that I have  autism  and  sensory processing disorder  and cannot help my response, either. That brought a threat, "If you can't be quiet then we'll have to give you Haldol. You can't take Haldol? (I am allergic) I thought yo...