Funkonovo/Allison's autism Blog

The author, a white woman with brown hair with pained expression CW: Mention of meltdowns, law enforcement, suicide, the criminal justice system This is going to be a difficult post for me to write, because it will trigger memories of guilt, shame and "if onlys". It isn't my intention to dwell on these negative feelings. I wish to present the facts accurately, without self pity or blame-shifting. I have mentioned before that my autistic meltdowns became more frequent and (yes, I must use the v-word) violent in my mid teens. For me, a meltdown occurs when: 1. I am physically and emotionally drained. 2. I am startled by a trigger sound (a shrill scream or a car horn or explosion) 3. Having to socially interact already bearing #1 and #2. I have always been a take-charge person, impulsive by nature. My parents knew since my infancy that something wasn't right (and no, that isn't a put-down, it is a clinical observation about my neurology based on obse...

Purple and red were the colors I chose the day the classical music played through an old, slightly warped and scratchy sounding record player. Peaks and valleys gave way to holes in the paper made by too much pressure from my hands. Us six-year-olds were asked to draw how we "saw" the music. Sight wasn't the first sense that came to mind. It was my hearing. I used the crayons to illustrate the stabbing pain I felt physically in my ears that wound up in my shutting down, hands over my ears and face down on the desk, near tears. I had a kind first grade teacher who had something many other teachers lacked: common sense. She genuinely cared for her students. Noting my condition, she asked to see my paper. "Oh my!" she said, asking for the paper. She later called my parents, not to complain, but to tell them that something was wrong and that she was concerned. The matter wasn't discussed further. I wasn't blamed or shamed by my teacher or parents. If ...

Concept: colors, lines, and squiggles with the word "Static" written in the middle I drew this using a simple doodle app. The wild squiggles and different colors represent the different sensory chaos coming from all around and bunching, clogging my filterless brain. I screenshotted this, so pardon the advertising.

Young female child crying First of all, thank you VERY MUCH for your thoughtfulness in choosing to remove your crying toddler from the OB/GYN waiting room. I am sure it was boring for your daughter to wait on top of being sick. I could hear the mucus rattle when she coughed. Being patient for a toddler is hard on a good day, but far harder when you are sick. My autistic brain can remember back to when I was a toddler. I was about to go in for my yearly exam. I had a meltdown earlier in the week and was dreading the pain and pressure that always comes from having a metal speculum inserted into my vagina. I have a very good doctor who is both practical and patient, but it is still a very uncomfortable experience. Not having to figure out how to run out of the office, possibly punch myself in the head or knock something over was a HUGE relief. I was able to remain seated and chew my stim pendant, filling out my paperwork (I wish they could just e-mail it-very stressful as I am ...

Autistic woman's face in black & white with color text descriptions of how her autism affects her. I will let this image I created using Pixteller speak for itself. Share if you find this helpful. Make your own for free@ Pixteller.com

Woman holding head in hands Wednesday, I went for a routine psych assessment which lead to a meltdown which included me beating my head with my fists, and a walkout. It was a good thing I was already chewing my chewable, silicone necklace. Braided chewable pendant by Stimtastic What precipitated the meltdown and walk out was being yelled at (a deciBel level below screaming range and above emphasizing speech) by the doctor, who claimed in a previous appointment to know something about autism and sensory issues. I took myself off of an anti-depressant because it was making me suicidal. I was already dealing with a major depressive episode and still am. I kept and went back on the anti-depressant that I knew and trusted. I felt better in a couple of days. Better meaning non-suicidal. I never thought once of calling to discuss my decision with my doctor. It honestly never crossed my mind. For that, I am sorry . I made an unintentional e...

I've read the plea of an autistic parent many times over- "I would just like to eat dinner with my family out in public." The family cannot do so, because one or more of their children is autistic. The noise of clanking, clattering dishes, crying babies and bright lights incites a very physical and verbal meltdown. The child hits themselves. They scream. The judgemental stares and tongue clucks begin. It is simply safer and less humiliating to eat in. Now imagine the autistic child grown up. Perhaps they have learned to better manage  sensory overload  and get away from a situation before it leads to a meltdown. Maybe they always have a safe person with them (as I do) when they are away from home. Perhaps that person is the parent. They still would like to have a meal out with the entire family, but it won't happen. It's not that the family never tried again. This time, the autistic person wore earplugs and sunglasses. They were older and did their best to ...

4 people in different colors holding hands Concept: community inclusion I have autism, and sensory processing disorder. The latter is the big hurdle keeping me from making friends due to the fact I don’t get out of the house unless I am with my safe person, who is usually my older sister. What I need is inclusion that takes into account my sensory processing issues. Noisy places like coffee shops, bookstores, even libraries are unhealthy places for me to be. One of my sensory agonies, crying/screaming kids is like putting my hand on a hot stove. I cannot relax let alone contemplate socialization. Earplugs and earmuffs only take the edge off long enough for me to walk away. This is a letter I have written to community developers everywhere. To community developers who work to provide a more inclusive environment for those on the autism spectrum: Firstly, thank you for the hard work you do in including autistic people. That said, I cannot access any autism f...

A woman on fire-Pixabay My meltdown is Echoed in my screaming Adrenaline is racing like napalm through my veins Moro reflex punching my gut over and over Reliving the sensory overload on a loop I'm drowning without being in water and I have to go to bed for 2 days Sometimes it brings red and blue flashing lights on a squad car  Handcuffs chewing into my wrists Lots of shouting and grabbing Strapped to a backboard while my skin turns purple and black Locked up, drugged up Being punished for something I cannot control It isn't a conscience choice I've made To disrupt my life or yours It so happened that A dog was barking- A child was screaming- Someone set off a firecracker- And I couldn't process the information fast enough To remain in control of my executive functioning The threat of sensory overload hangs pregnant, like a cumulonimbus cloud I need a safe place and safe people- now and until I die To successfully process what life...

I didn't know that the vile migraine had an awareness ribbon and month (June). They are not simply headaches. They alter mood, create nausea and vomiting, make darkness and silence a must, cancel plans and are chronic.   My migraines were few and further between as a child (I got about 2-3 a year and had to go to bed, vomiting periodically), but increased in my teens along with autistic regression. I inherited mine from my mother. It is always the same eye. I don't get the the visual aura but I do have the olfactory (smell) phantosmia . Mine are blessedly fewer than 14 per month. My heart goes out to those of you who experience more than 14 a month. Love and support are so very important. My parents were very understanding. My mom had to hold me while I cried sitting on the bathroom floor, head pounding and vomiting into the toilet to the point it had to be flushed at least twice. I can expect them during right before and during my menstrual cycle. Sensory overload and ...

I've heard it said that the best ideas often come when in the shower. The hot water massages my head and the steam opens my sinuses. What happened one June night back in 2010 is something that wasn't a byproduct of heat and steam. I had been under what I call "house arrest" since 2006, when a violent meltdown at the mall (which included screaming, swearing, self harm and punching walls), bringing many security guards. My mom had to pull me outside with all her strength. I was not mentally or physically able. A meltdown is such a horrific experience from the total involuntary loss of self-control to the days it takes me to recover. I also have fears based on reality about being arrested or taken, for short periods via ambulance, from my immediate family, which is now comprised only of my sister, whom I live with. Anyway, I pretty much avoided going out in public, to avoid sensory overload and keep both me and the public safe. It was a sad and boring period pu...

Child covering ears Family gatherings are noisey. There are a myriad of voices that range in pitch and volume. There is that one person who laughs so loud that tears well in my eyes. Boys yell and bang on the piano. Someone is taking a photo with flash. Greeting people is part of being polite, even when you are already in sensory overload. Perfumes and colognes combine and foods from the kitchen circulate. Men yell at the football game and women laugh at something funny.  All this is taken in at the door. There is a long way to wade through before I can put my coat in a quiet bedroom. I have to remember to smile and say "hello" as well as accept hugs. There are a few cousins who cannot stand my presence, though, at age 5, I don't know what I could have possibly done to upset them. I am asked, "Why do you plug your ears?" I am told repeatedly that nobody wants me here. I am the only one who isn't part of a group. Sometimes, I get bullied. A parent ...

I used to cry on long car trips as an infant up until age 5. It wasn’t due to boredom. It was due to sensory processing disorder than accompanied my (undiagnosed back in the 1980’s) autism spectrum disorder. My mom rode in the back seat to comfort me rather than quitting taking me out in the car.             I fortunately outgrew this around age four. I do remember telling my mother later that it was due to the sound of the tires against the road that set me off.             While I am blessed to have outgrown some intolerable sounds like the doorbell, others intensified as my brain continued to develop. Some examples include babies crying and dog barking.             Some experts have theorized that it was solely due to my dad’s sudden death in my teens, but if that were the case, how would one explain the extreme auditory sensi...

When I was 16, I got a notion in my head that I needed to get a job. I wasn't ready at 15, when most kids in the U.S. start getting "legitimate" jobs-mostly in the retail industry. I wanted a job to prove myself. Nobody made me go to Office Max for an interview. I picked Office Max, because I loved how office supplies smell. I love to organize things and figured that it would be quiet (I don't know why) in an office supply store. My mom let me know that there was no pressure from her. I think she was trying to dissuade me without making me feel like I couldn't do anything. She was willing to let me try. The interview went well. I knew to dress nice and be on time. The man asked me questions like if I was okay with wearing a uniform. Yes. Was I OK with taking direction (that seemed like an odd question to me. I always generally did what was asked of me). Yes. Did I have a set amount of salary? I said no. I didn't know a job candidate had any right to n...