I'm really not that bad...I am me

My first avatar for this blog 11/4/16

Yes, this is me. The Avatar lady with resting bitch face. Don't blame me. That one isn't mine!
I'm not really that horrible. I am hurt and angry.
I am tired of people tearing me apart because they don't agree with my Christian Worldview and my autism.
Why do I keep allowing commenting?
Aren't I supposed to "believe the best"?
Well, the assholes keep creeping in, despite civil warnings, so I am here now and I can say, after 6 years of blogging, there will never, ever be any commenting allowed here.
Not ever.
For me, commenting isn't healthy. It is another door Satan uses to try and tear me down.
I am autistic, so communication is already a problem. My badly damaged sensory filters add to the hyper-sensitivity.
Though I long to engage, I know the payoff, at least online, isn't worth it.
I began my blogging journey here and I have come home to roost.
I hope you will find what's written here to be helpful. If not, there are other blogs in the blogosphere.
I have switched from identity to anonymity, the reverse of what other bloggers do. But I am not others. I am me.

On the fringe: autism and family gatherings

Child covering ears Family gatherings are noisey. There are a myriad of voices that range in pitch and volume. There is that one person who laughs so loud that tears well in my eyes. Boys yell and bang on the piano. Someone is taking a photo with flash. Greeting people is part of being polite, even when you are already in sensory overload. Perfumes and colognes combine and foods from the kitchen circulate. Men yell at the football game and women laugh at something funny. All this is taken in at the door. There is a long way to wade through before I can put my coat in a quiet bedroom. I have to remember to smile and say "hello" as well as accept hugs. There are a few cousins who cannot stand my presence, though, at age 5, I don't know what I could have possibly done to upset them. I am asked, "Why do you plug your ears?" I am told repeatedly that nobody wants me here. I am the only one who isn't part of a group. Sometimes, I get bullied. A parent ...

The Onion in the Petunia Patch Part Three

Young adulthood-present I attempted suicide when I was 17, six months before graduation. I was hospitalized for the first of what would be over 20 spanning from 1997-2006. More bullying and much more blame came from what was supposed to be a place of healing. I was told how spoiled I was, what a con-artist I was; manipulative (as if plugging my ears and screaming at the loud toddler visiting was my way of wanting to “get” something from someone-other than quiet). There were more suicide attempts. In 1998, I saw the next in a series of psychiatrists/psychologists. This man diagnosed me, wearily, with “autistic tendencies”. I was 19. I went on to getting into trouble with the law and almost being imprisoned. I firmly believe if it hadn't been for my mom’s nursing sense and persevering spirit, I would have gone to jail and would not be here today. I questioned God. I began to wonder if He really did exist. I decided that He did, but that He hated me, even was bullying me. How s...

First Day of Spring

Cherry blossom tree in Springtime with light blue sky Today is the first day of Spring. As of late, I have presented a lot of dark, weighty subject material. I thought it was time for something positive and lighter. While Winter serves as a cushion and break from the outside sensory world, it also renews me for the next season. Spring helps me to appreciate the present a little more, as Summer can be tough with kids being off of school and setting off fireworks. Here is to the present. I also want to take the time to thank the Lord for always being with me, no matter how dark things get.

Funkonovo/Allison's autism Blog

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