I call this "Dancing with herselves"
Being
lonely is different from being alone. Being alone, for me, is when I have had
enough sensory input from a person and/or environment. It is a choice. Being lonely is
something I have little choice over. Due to the severe limitations of my autism
spectrum disorder, I don’t have the simple luxury of calling up a friend to see
if they are free for coffee or a walk in the park.
My only friend lives 45 minutes away and due
to age, can’t drive long distances on a constant basis. I cannot drive. What
support and socialization that does exist is for disabled people who can go
anywhere and be exposed to everything as long as it is ADA compliant.
I
am alone in my home without human contact 6 days a week for 90% of my day. My
sister does her best, but she, like my aunt, has a life that includes shared
experiences with other people. Mine doesn’t. Nobody else in my family or
community is interested in relating to me.
I
notice that when I have a little more (not a ton) of stimulation going on with
kindly people who don’t see me solely as a burden, I feel more relaxed and less
depressed. I naturally want to participate in life more. When I don’t get this
interaction (and there are times that it is inevitable), I fall behind.
Depression
descends. I am irritable. Exercise and most anything else is a chore. I curl up
in a ball and sleep a lot.
I
can try to distract myself for a while, but like the dancing hula girl in the
photo, the reflection in the window tells the real story; one of a person
fading into lifelessness, mere existence when left to her own devices for long.
The
internet is of no use to me socially. Everyone is either out to play the hate
game or to promote his or her lives, but not to make a personal connection.
I
know autistic people stereo-typically aren’t viewed as wanting what I crave (in
much smaller amounts than most NTs do), but I think that is mostly due to
feelings of inadequacy, which I certainly have in spades. It doesn’t help that
we have a culture that thrives on selfishness and speed.
God
actually designed us to relate with others (Genesis 2:18) whether platonic or
romantic or both. Due to sensory issues, church is out of the question for me.
I don’t get to discuss my faith very much unless my Christian friend wants to
talk about it. What I can’t obtain from the Bible, I get from online Christian
websites.
I
find it (probably because of the autism) harder to relate to God, as He is
Spirit. I so need to have someone in my physical presence, but God already came in the flesh. He made His creation to fellowship with one another.
I was originally denied case management services due to having the
Asperger’s diagnosis (too high-functioning to need support), but due to my severe sensory issues and need to have a
safe person out in the community with me, along with my generalized anxiety
disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, I was approved.
After 14 months of case-management services, my caseworker left for another agency.
I've decided to forego any more services for the time being. My soul is worn out and I need to focus more on my relationship with God and address some medical issues before I proceed further.