Skip to main content

Ignorant


In the 1990's and 2000's, I wrote poetry. Today, I would like to share one of my poems.

Ignorant

I take a hammer to the sky
And the shards of china blue
Rain down like daggers
There is a bullet hole
In the starless new night sky
That swallows the light

Pillars of stone and salt
Tumble to the ground
In thunderous collapse
This is my doing;
I shall not look back

Will you remain ignorant still
Now that these things are done?
Was it necessary for us
To bare these pangs

Because I am not as you are?

Violently exposing an other's deceit. That is what usually culminates into the end of any relationship I have ever had. I have no tolerance for targeted sarcasm, usually frustration on the part of the other person. It must be a neurotypical thing, because I haven't had autistic friends. I haven't had the chance to be included due to my neuromakeup and lack accommodating services.

I have tried, with some success, to address conflict in a healthier manner. One example of this would be writing the person a letter detailing how I interpreted the situation. If they try to blame me for everything, game over. Being played is worse than being lonely.

I used to think venting anger (choosing it as a character trait) made me stronger, masculine, not to be messed with. Instead, being angry wore any reserve I had down to the nubbins and lead to meltdowns, which lead to hospitalization and involvement in the criminal justice system. Choosing anger lead to self destruction and was weakness in strength's clothing.
I avoid much conflict now, sensory and social due to my meltdowns, which are 100% unpremeditated and the result of pent up sensory and emotional overload.
Medication does help. So does exercise. Therapy has given me some perspective. Currently I can't afford it.

The late writer Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. said that loneliness is a disease. He also said it could be cured. I could not agree more. I'd like to add stupidity (willful ignorance after the fact), bullying and apathy (being a root).

Jesus was a man well acquainted with sorrow and withdrew to lonely places to pray to His Father (Luke 5:16) Good advice from the Savior.

 P.S. I am well aware of the fact I included a quote by an atheist. I can still use what Mr. Vonnegut said for God's glory.


Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

modern day compliments from ian

Read more

First Day of Spring

Cherry blossom tree in Springtime with light blue sky Today is the first day of Spring.  As of late, I have presented a lot of dark, weighty subject material. I thought it was time for something positive and lighter. While Winter serves as a cushion and break from the outside sensory world, it also renews me for the next season. Spring helps me to appreciate the present a little more, as Summer can be tough with kids being off of school and setting off fireworks. Here is to the present. I also want to take the time to thank the Lord for always being with me, no matter how dark things get.
Read more

The Onion in the Petunia Patch Chapter Two

Chapter Two: Treatments I am wearing a tight-fitting skullcap. The things on the skullcap are injected with gel and then wires called leads are connected to them. Before the skullcap can go on, though, I must have my forehead wiped with a   gritty   cleanser that will allow the leads to get a "cleaner" picture of my brain activity.  The skullcap has two straps that my mom fastens to my chest. It is now time for my EEG. Unlike EEG's that map out images of the brain, this one will be recording my brain waves. The objective is to find out if there is any disturbance in my brain waves, and if there is, enough to warrant intervention. If you are touch sensitive, I do not see how you could have this test done. I am not touch sensitive, but I found when the gel was being injected into the little red things, it felt like my scalp was getting the injection. I even asked if they were giving me a shot in my scalp. They assured me I was not getting an injection in my scal...
Read more