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Ignorant


In the 1990's and 2000's, I wrote poetry. Today, I would like to share one of my poems.

Ignorant

I take a hammer to the sky
And the shards of china blue
Rain down like daggers
There is a bullet hole
In the starless new night sky
That swallows the light

Pillars of stone and salt
Tumble to the ground
In thunderous collapse
This is my doing;
I shall not look back

Will you remain ignorant still
Now that these things are done?
Was it necessary for us
To bare these pangs

Because I am not as you are?

Violently exposing an other's deceit. That is what usually culminates into the end of any relationship I have ever had. I have no tolerance for targeted sarcasm, usually frustration on the part of the other person. It must be a neurotypical thing, because I haven't had autistic friends. I haven't had the chance to be included due to my neuromakeup and lack accommodating services.

I have tried, with some success, to address conflict in a healthier manner. One example of this would be writing the person a letter detailing how I interpreted the situation. If they try to blame me for everything, game over. Being played is worse than being lonely.

I used to think venting anger (choosing it as a character trait) made me stronger, masculine, not to be messed with. Instead, being angry wore any reserve I had down to the nubbins and lead to meltdowns, which lead to hospitalization and involvement in the criminal justice system. Choosing anger lead to self destruction and was weakness in strength's clothing.
I avoid much conflict now, sensory and social due to my meltdowns, which are 100% unpremeditated and the result of pent up sensory and emotional overload.
Medication does help. So does exercise. Therapy has given me some perspective. Currently I can't afford it.

The late writer Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. said that loneliness is a disease. He also said it could be cured. I could not agree more. I'd like to add stupidity (willful ignorance after the fact), bullying and apathy (being a root).

Jesus was a man well acquainted with sorrow and withdrew to lonely places to pray to His Father (Luke 5:16) Good advice from the Savior.

 P.S. I am well aware of the fact I included a quote by an atheist. I can still use what Mr. Vonnegut said for God's glory.


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