Skip to main content

Ignorant


In the 1990's and 2000's, I wrote poetry. Today, I would like to share one of my poems.

Ignorant

I take a hammer to the sky
And the shards of china blue
Rain down like daggers
There is a bullet hole
In the starless new night sky
That swallows the light

Pillars of stone and salt
Tumble to the ground
In thunderous collapse
This is my doing;
I shall not look back

Will you remain ignorant still
Now that these things are done?
Was it necessary for us
To bare these pangs

Because I am not as you are?

Violently exposing an other's deceit. That is what usually culminates into the end of any relationship I have ever had. I have no tolerance for targeted sarcasm, usually frustration on the part of the other person. It must be a neurotypical thing, because I haven't had autistic friends. I haven't had the chance to be included due to my neuromakeup and lack accommodating services.

I have tried, with some success, to address conflict in a healthier manner. One example of this would be writing the person a letter detailing how I interpreted the situation. If they try to blame me for everything, game over. Being played is worse than being lonely.

I used to think venting anger (choosing it as a character trait) made me stronger, masculine, not to be messed with. Instead, being angry wore any reserve I had down to the nubbins and lead to meltdowns, which lead to hospitalization and involvement in the criminal justice system. Choosing anger lead to self destruction and was weakness in strength's clothing.
I avoid much conflict now, sensory and social due to my meltdowns, which are 100% unpremeditated and the result of pent up sensory and emotional overload.
Medication does help. So does exercise. Therapy has given me some perspective. Currently I can't afford it.

The late writer Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. said that loneliness is a disease. He also said it could be cured. I could not agree more. I'd like to add stupidity (willful ignorance after the fact), bullying and apathy (being a root).

Jesus was a man well acquainted with sorrow and withdrew to lonely places to pray to His Father (Luke 5:16) Good advice from the Savior.

 P.S. I am well aware of the fact I included a quote by an atheist. I can still use what Mr. Vonnegut said for God's glory.


Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

modern day compliments from ian

Read more

A heavenly perspective

Reaching toward heaven I was trying to get a different perspective taking nature shots. I had looked up to see this mass of white clouds hovering above bare tree branches. The branches looked like arms and fingers reaching up toward heaven. The clouds reminded me of something like  Exodus 13:21    where God's presence was with the Israelite s, guiding them. God takes care of all those who put their trust in His Son, Jesus. I have trusted Him in seeing me through my mom's death, an arrest, transitioning from one treatment facility to another and more recently, some neighbors treating Saturday nights as their own personal 4th of July. I still feel pain. I am tempted to doubt and catch myself self loathing. I keep praying .  I know nothing lasts forever. I look forward to eternity with God and my Christian loved ones who are there already. I hope you will come to know Jesus and accept Him as both your Lord as well as your Savior. Amen! ...
Read more

Lonely vs. being alone

I call this "Dancing with herselves" Being lonely is different from being alone. Being alone, for me, is when I have had enough sensory input from a person and/or environment. It is a choice. Being lonely is something I have little choice over. Due to the severe limitations of my autism spectrum disorder, I don’t have the simple luxury of calling up a friend to see if they are free for coffee or a walk in the park.  My only friend lives 45 minutes away and due to age, can’t drive long distances on a constant basis. I cannot drive. What support and socialization that does exist is for disabled people who can go anywhere and be exposed to everything as long as it is ADA compliant. I am alone in my home without human contact 6 days a week for 90% of my day. My sister does her best, but she, like my aunt, has a life that includes shared experiences with other people. Mine doesn’t. Nobody else in my family or community is interested in relating to me. I notice ...
Read more