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Autism and the unpredictability of animals

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again. Is it insane to try a different approach (such as taking a different route to work to save time)?
I've tried in various ways over the last four years to fully bond with the rescue kitten we adopted.
Lily was not ready to be adopted at 2 months old. My aunt, who is a shelter volunteer, was happy to hear of Lily's adoption.
" I hoped Lily would get adopted," she said.
Lily had litter mates who were rough. She hid from them while at the shelter. She also had intestinal problems, leaving her with a stinky butt after pooing.
That last part wasn't a deterrent. It was part of helping to raise a kitten.
We were very close for about 2 months. She would groom me after her nap. I played with her, but never allowing play biting.
Lily didn't need to be yelled at or sprayed with water. A firm tone of voice and consistancy worked well.
She became a distant and elusive teen and early adult cat.
Lily came into her own (I thought I knew what that was) this spring (2019). She was friendly, engaging and very comical.
Lily has always been skittish and jumps if a housefly farts. Her tail spasms if pet past her mid back (I don't purposely pet her there). She meows like there's no volume regulation.
I buy the theory that cats "have Aspergers Syndrome". I certainly see the similarities between her and my behaviors.
She was becoming more affectionate than ever, especially toward me, the second favorite in the house. She wanted to cuddle on my lap. That was something she rarely did. She naps at the foot of my bed after my sister lets her out of her room in the morning (yes, Lily has her own room).
She has, once a year on average, bit my hand seemingly out of nowhere. This isn't good for an autistic person who also has CPTSD. My startle reflex is beyond acute, and I have trauma from years of chronic bullying. Being physically hurt by another living being is a major trigger. I have automatically attacked in return.
With Lily, I was able to swat her on her butt and get her in her room with a sharp "Get in your room! It took me about two weeks to get emotionally back to normal. I avoided Lily, ignoring her in lessening degrees until I thought trust could be established.
It turns out that Lily is one more being I cannot trust. Trust and consistancy is key for me to relate to another. Most people I did trust have died.
On the evening of July Fourth, I was sitting on the carpet in the living room. I was on my tablet, distracting myself via Instagram from the hellacious holiday.
Lily took it upon herself to walk over and crawl into my lap. I didn't want her there, because I was tense and wanted to stim in peace. I also didn't want to be selfish and shoo her away, especially after becoming closer.
I pet her and talked in my baby voice, the silly, falsetto tone I use to talk to cats. Every cat I've done that with blinks their eyes, purrs and talks.
I stopped petting her and continued reading posts in my feed.
I don't know if Lily was jealous (there is never a solid reason when she does bite) or felt my tension (why come over to me in the first place), but she grabbed my sleeve and jerked my arm so hard that I dropped my tablet.
I wish I could tell you I put her in her room for the night and went to bed, but I'd be telling a half truth.
That night, July 4, 2019, I spanked Lily with a plastic fly swatter. I was like the parent whose last fuse blew and turned from loving parent into Kujo. I beat myself with my fists afterward. Part of me wanted to feel worse for spanking her.
The fireworks didn't bring me down. Losing emotional control and complete trust is what destroyed this year's holiday.
I can forgive. Apparently, Lily can too. She came around me the next day. Unfortunately, my trust in her is so completely shattered that I find it best for everyone's safety to avoid touching her or allowing her to get too close.
My sister gets the respect I don't. I'm younger and I'm severely autistic, IN SPITE OF A HIGH IQ. My anxious makeup, rigid posture and chronic clumsiness probably make animals nervous if not completely turned off by me. Horses and dogs often get anxious if they get too close. They likely feel what I feel-threatened.
I hope that if I need a place to live, should I live to the national average, I will be able to live in both child free and animal free section 8 or whatever else is available to a (nearly) 40 year old severely affected (except IQ) autistic woman with no way of ever being self sufficient.
Check out my IG account.
Update: Lily is doing fine. I mind my time when with her.

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